Do You Prefer The Yeller or The Silent Snob?
I used to be in a relationship with someone who told me at the beginning of the relationship:
I don’t get angry at all and even when I’m angry, I do not raise my voice.
I was like: ‘No way, everyone gets angry at one point or another. I don’t think it is a bad thing though. It all depends on how you healthily manage your anger so that you do not hurt someone else or make a bad situation worse as a result of your anger.’
He went on to describe yelling as being rude and aggressive as well as uncivilised, especially in public places.
I agreed with him. I don’t like it when people yell. Sometimes I will be like: ‘Can you maybe lower your voice? I can hear you clearly without you raising your voice.’
I didn’t know much about passive aggression then. That was why I didn’t give it much thought when he told me that he never gets angry.
Again, I was younger and that was my first relationship. So, he was like my world until I learned the hard way; through experience.
By the way, yelling and passive aggression, in my opinion, are two extremes. While yelling is a direct and overt manner of expressing anger, passive aggression, on the other hand, is very subtle. It is the opposite or indirect way of expressing anger (hence it is said to be passive). The person would rather bottle up the anger and pretend that they were not offended or refuse to talk to you for some time to punish you intentionally.
However, there is a middle ground between yelling and passive aggression. It is called Assertive Communication. This is when you communicate your needs and feelings in a direct and respectful way. I think that is what people refer to when they say: ‘Let’s sit down and talk about it like adults.’
How To Use Assertive Communication
Be clear and direct about what you need (don’t throw shades at the other person).
It is not the time to trade blame or judge the other person.
Pay attention and listen to the other person’s view. Don’t interrupt them or try to build a case with what they say.
Use statements like ‘I feel…’ to express yourself. This will help the other person to understand how you felt.
Be respectful. Don’t throw caution to the winds because you were angry. Don’t use words you may regret later.
Self-control is key to anger management. It shows how mature you are even when you are angry.
Back To That Relationship
Whenever there was a misunderstanding, this person will simply wave it aside.
I prefer to talk about it and get it resolved. I do not like to go to bed with some unresolved issues. I can’t sleep well if I feel hurt or if I feel that someone was hurt because of what I did or said.
But he doesn’t like to talk. He preferred giving the cold shoulder topped up with some silent treatment. I felt so helpless. He will gently say that he was fine. If I tried to talk about it again, he will tell me to stop pestering him and walk away.
Well, you can’t force people to talk, can you?
So, I did let him be but I knew that something was wrong. There was always that tension you feel when everything is not fine. When you are trying to be polite with the other person so that there will be ‘peace.’ But you are both not happy. Yet, one of you is not willing to talk about it.
And Then
Something happened. Something I felt was irrelevant and not a big deal.
He got enraged and brought down the roof!
All the anger he bottled up over time was released all at once. It was so ugly, so hurting and abusive (verbally and emotionally).
It was as if I had been with a stranger all along. He took off the ‘civilised gentleman’ mask and showed me his real face!
I could not say a word out of fear. I feared that he might hit me if I spoke because he was so charged up. It was that bad. And I lived with that fear for years until something gave way and I decided to take a stand.
How It Ended?
I will save that for another day.
Meanwhile, back to the topic of the story…
Yelling versus passive aggression: which one is worse in your opinion?
